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Admitting Defeat

This week, I’ve been given more responsibilities at work in addition to what I already had to do, responsibilities that take a lot of my time. I should have said a long time ago that I wouldn’t be able to do any more, or even needed a task or two taken away, but I have an ego/ fear problem. I’m a competitive person. As long as the other coordinators weren’t complaining and could still keep up, I wasn’t going to complain, either. Never mind the fact that we all do different things and I can’t measure my work against theirs; I should be able to be superwoman. Add to this the fact that I am frightened to death of being fired (even after being with the company over three years), and you have a perfect cocktail for getting overworked in silence.

I finally was able to let my boss know I needed to bow out of a few non-essential tasks, and asked for some things I need to organize myself. I hated having to admit that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with demand, but better that than to under perform. So I am on the road to becoming acclimated with the changes at work.

There are a lot of changes on the horizon in my life, and I must admit that I hate change. I must also admit that change is inevitable and will continue to happen. I can decide to spend precious time grumbling and fighting the inevitable, or I can learn to move with the changes. There is a season for everything and things are always coming into full bloom and having their moment; I have to embrace this season of change and let it grow me.

I’m experience a personality shift. The mainstays of my personality have been solidified by the trials and tribulations of the past few years, but now I’m experiencing circumstances that are refining my character. There is always room to grow. Anything that isn’t growing is dead, and I’m not dead, so I have to grow.

Time to go to work.


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Preparation & Predestination

Lately, I haven’t been writing in here because I haven’t been focusing on myself enough to have anything personal to write about. Neat trick, that. It’s amazing to me how easy it is to forget about yourself and things you need to do to be healthy and happy when you don’t put forth any effort.

I’ve felt awful about myself lately…really awful. Mostly because I’ve had an awful headache all last week, and I know it’s because I need to get on top of some dental work. I’m behind in a few things financially, and though I’m well on the road to getting caught up, I’m still upset I ever got off track in the first place. I was thisclose to not only being able to pay the full amount every month on every bill, but actually having some money saved up. Blah.

Headaches aside, I haven’t been working out or eating as well as I should be, which means that I haven’t had much of an outlet for stress, nor am I at least looking well in my misery. The one thing that I did manage to do was write more regularly thanks to Camp NaNoWriMo. I slacked off every weekend and the last week or two, but I did really well with getting the story started and off the ground.

In thinking of ways to kickstart my healthy and happy lifestyle, I started to do just 1 thing a day towards improving things: taking out the trash, cleaning out the fridge, paying bills first thing payday, etc.

Well, my one thing on Saturday was to restart the Couch to 5K program. I got up early  and went to Wal-Mart to prepare for my run. I needed to buy myself a sports bra if I was going to be serious about running (big chested, you understand. FYI, it’s weird to associate that term with myself. When I’m not fat, I have a small chest. I will be happy to see them go, that I can tell you). Of course, a new top and yoga pants for working out and a water bottle were added to the two sports bras I purchased, all with dri-more technology (the Wal-Mart version of Dri-wick technology).

MensHealth and I set out on the trail to accomplish our run. We made a few mistakes (not stretching, not applying sunblock), but remembered water and kept hydrated. It was only thirty minutes, but boy did we sweat! Thanks to the dri-more technology, my covered skin was dry (what do you know? It actually works!). I was surprised how well I got through it, even though I paused it once for ten or fifteen seconds to catch my breath (that’s all MH allowed before he made me keep going).

I have to admit, it felt good to get back out there. I took yesterday off and am going to go back again today. Hopefully, I can get the run in when it cools off.

This week, I’m ready to be a bit more ambitious. I want to make progress in the month of August in my workouts, my finances, and my spiritual life. I want to connect more with friends and write more often. I want to be in a better place at the end of the month than at the beginning. So, with that in mind, I am going to try my 3o day workout challenge again, starting today. I’m also going to write down my budget for the month and stick to it. Our congregation made it a goal to be on the inspirational call at least once a week, and I think that’s a good place to start spiritually.

So, I’ve already determined how I want this month to go. Now all that’s left is to do what needs to be done to get there. How did last month go for you? What are you planning to focus on this month?

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Monopoly Money

Mr. Perfect and I were strolling through the park yesterday and I decided to ask him about money, because I was curious and had nothing else to keep my mind off the hot sun on my back. I’d asked him before but didn’t really get an answer (we got off on some tangent or other and never got back on it).

The specific money matters we were talking about were paying bills as a married couple and how he wanted to handle his bills with his wife. What I got out of his answer was that he would split mortgage/rent 50/50 and maybe each person would pay certain bills. He also said something about taking into consideration how much money the other person makes in comparison to him and etc.

I’ve thought about the money thing often enough. It would be a very big aspect of life. I mean, bills have to be paid. I prefer to pay bills on time in full. Some months are harder than others to stick to that, but that’s how I like it. I have no problem pulling my weight or paying my fair share; wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m asking because I plan on keeping my money in my pocket. Still I like punctuality and practicality above all else when it comes to my money.

Me? I have no problem splitting it all 50/50, no consideration of my income necessary. I’d have less money left than him (considerably, at this point, lol) but that wouldn’t bother me and eventually that will change. I would prefer a household account and individual bank accounts for our personal money. I just think it’s easier for our half of the bill money to go into one account and for checks to be written or bills paid online from one account, most effectively by one person, but with the ability to be handled by either and with both having access to the bills/amounts and the bank statement.

Money is one of those issues that, if people are mismatched, kills marriages. As long as we were dating or whatever and my money was mine to spend how I wanted, things were great, but now here you are all in my financial kool-aid. I’m a saver, you’re a spender. I pay my bills on time, you pay yours whenever you feel like it. Your credit is fantastic and mine is ridiculously battered and bruised. Whether it’s a lack of money or a lack of knowledge of money, the money tension in a relationship can get thick and and choke you out.

And whoever controls the pocketbook controls the family. Money is power. I don’t mind paying my half because that’s an investment in our lives together. It shows that I’m at the table and paying attention in this relationship. I can’t hand over the money completely, blindly trusting that things are getting paid and obligations are being met, but I think I could (if required) hand over the physical act of paying the bills. And I don’t see it as a masculine or feminine thing to keep track of the family finances.

Mr. Perfect’s ideas aren’t too far from mine, so if we ever got to that point, I’m sure we could reach a decision about the money that we both could deal with.

How big a role does money play in the considerations before marriage? Does how much the other person makes matter? Who should be in charge of the money? What about going out to eat as husband and wife with separate bank accounts–who picks up the tab, or is that from household funds? What about groceries? Toothpaste? If I bought it, do I keep it in the divorce? And what about those pre-nuptual agreements?