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Sharing is Caring, or Me Getting Philosophical About a Lady Friends & Asking a LOT of Questions

It didn’t escape my attention that rather than talking about all of the important things I could have talked about on September 11th, I chose to talk about a relatively lightweight personal identity crisis complaint. I didn’t have anything new or exciting to say about the day, so I didn’t say anything. Although I’m sure my readership wasn’t expecting me to wax philosophical about it, and I’m not exactly doing a bang up job of explaining any rationale behind my decision, I figured I should say something. Anyway…

I need the help of my loyal readership with a few blogging related things I’ve been thinking about lately, but first and foremost I need to tell you about some grown up playdates fun outings I’ve had this past weekend. I have a friend that is getting married who I rarely see anymore. This is not the dreaded “I’m-getting-married-and-you’re-still-a-single-loser” disappearing act that I’m used to, but a “busy with work, just bought a house, planning a wedding, and I’ve had the flu” disappearing act, so it can be forgiven. I saw her at church and we got to talking and it was so great to finally talk to a together friend again! Someone comparable in age, a professional person with an “I’m not in college anymore” job, intelligent, observes accepted social mores like not coming over empty-handed and still leaving with takeaway boxes, well put together, and doesn’t need me to pay for them all the time.

The funny thing is, even though we are on different tracks right now (I don’t own a home and I’m not planning a wedding), we could still talk about all of that and what IS going on with me and it wasn’t awkward at all. Why don’t other people get this? I was happy to see pictures of her new house and talk wedding details. It doesn’t make me envious or jealous. I want my friends to be happy and healthy and achieving. Anyway, back to the point. She said something that stuck with me: sometimes, we women just need a female friend to say things to, to set us straight and tell us how it is (in love), someone to bounce ideas off of and just be there for support. Yes!

In all of this talking, we decided to go out to a new-to-me soul food restaurant after church with our SOs and another (married) couple. The talk at the meal was…interesting. It’s funny how a table of people can carry one three separate conversations with three men sneaking long looks at the football games being shown before melding into one conversation and back out into two or three conversations without anyone feeling left out. We laughed and ate and talked for a while. Mr. Perfect felt that at times he had nothing to contribute to the conversation about kitchen appliances, home decor, and the importance of fire extinguishers, but I thought this was interesting to watch. I didn’t feel excluded because I didn’t have anything to say, which is big for me. I constantly draw on my extensive pools of knowledge in order to always have something to say so that I feel included. Major social interaction growth there.

I like having times like this, where I see my relationships changing, expanding to include all of the great things that are going on in my friends lives, especially when I see how well it suits them. This was our first time have any extended conversations with our friends fiancé, and Mr. Perfect and I both felt like we got to see more of who he was as a person and how well he fits with our friend. We can vibe with him. Another bonus.

How have your friendships changed or evolved? Have you lost close friends when your lives changed? How do you deal with changing friendship dynamics?

Now onto the things I need your help figuring out.

  • I am buying a digital camera (!!), so that I can start to put pictures on this blog and break up the wall of text, this Friday. I went into Ritz Cameras and found a really nice camera, the Fuji FinePix HS30EXR. Among the features of the camera is a manual lense (just the one, so I don’t have to change it like a DSLR and not motorized), a screen and Viewer (with some technology or other that allows me to use the screen to shoot or the view finder if I put my eye up to it), the ability to take panorama shots, face recognition of up to 10 faces for easy facebook tagging, some technical mumbo jumbo that means nothing to me, and 16 megapixels (I think). What all of this boils down to, for those that aren’t into cameras (like me before stepping a foot into Ritz) is that it is basically a really nice point and shoot with upgrades for better quality pictures and more room for exploration of the craft of photography. This little baby is close to $400 dollars though. That’s a big investment in a camera for me, whose priciest camera up to now was a $150 Kodak Easy Share (which I knocked off my nightstand and forever messed up the screen). Is this a good blogging camera? Help!
  • I want to share some excerpts of and facts about my book, but I don’t want to bore you guys to death about it if you aren’t interested. So I am debating having a separate site for just the book and book related deets. Is this the best route to go? Should I do a separate site, or just a separate page on this one? If I do the author/book site, what do I need to include? Help me!
  • I have an immense backlog of interviews with married folks, but I am wondering if I should post them here or on the possible new page/site. What do you guys think? Do you like seeing the interviews here?
  • I have been looking at some new crafting technology to begin to sell t-shirts and totes or things like that for my site/book, but I’m not a graphic designer. Getting designs would be no problem (Hello, brother 2blu is in college studying ART! and I DO have graphic designer friends), but some of the screen printing chemicals and terminology leads me to believe I should maybe just stick to a professional. I’ve really been inspired by some of the wedding blogs to get into paper crafts and making T-shirts and things, but I don’t know how hands on I can be when the equipment is talking bulbs, exposures, emulsion sheets, and the like. I can make stickers or cards, but this other stuff? Does anyone know anything about Gocco, Yudu, Cricut, or the like? Is it just easier (i.e. cheaper) to go with a professional on certain products in the long run? Help. Me.

I realize I’m asking for a lot this time, guys. Thank you to anyone who responds to ANYTHING in this post (and any of my ramblings).

XOXO

2blu2btru

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The Love Chronicles: Cyrano de Bergerac

*cue Aaliyah’s Four Page Letter* Yo, turn my music up…

Sometimes a letter can get you into trouble. Sometimes it can make you some unlikely friends, or reveal “close enemies.” Sometimes they offer closure. And sometimes, they just confuse you even more.

I’ve never had a problem expressing myself with the written word, but I didn’t have the best handwriting, or the guts to give a letter to a guy I liked. Enter one of the oddest friendships of my life, a misunderstanding, and a career of playing cupid.

I was in the sixth grade when I’d finally decided to send a letter to a boy I liked (you all remember HIM, don’t you? No? OK, a link will be here later :-)). I approached a girl in my class, China*, to write it because she had really pretty handwriting. So with a passed note contracting the writing of a love letter, a friendship was born.

China and I wrote letters for each other all the time. It was mostly me ghostwriting her romantic endeavours. But that initial letter, the one she wrote for me, was important to me. I gave it to my “cousin,” a much beloved male friend, to deliver, as he played football with the crush. To this day, I have no idea what happened to that letter, but I’m almost certain it never reached the guy. I wrote once that it was probably on my cousin’s bedroom floor under a jock strap or something. When I told him who the letter was for, all he said was, “that cat?” (or the late ’90s equivalent) So I became more direct and sent it to the boy in question’s house.

*Pause*

OK, let me be clear here: I am not a stalker. I didn’t stalk this boy to his house. He lived across the street from me for a couple years, so I knew the address. *Ahem*

I sent the note through the mail the week that I was talking to Punch ( the guy with the “stuff” in the refrigerator…yeah), but I forgot about it in all of the stir that was the whole Punch situation.

I ended up writing a letter for Punch’s cousin, Nicole*, to one of my crushes. This boy was two years older than us. I had actually talked to him–a lot. We shared seats on the bus. I ended up giving him the letter that I wrote for him, which included the poem I wrote for him, in the seat where I always sat next to him. Anyone who knows anything about writing knows that for a conversational piece, it can be pretty easy to tell who wrote it if you aren’t trying to hide it. So when I performed a very different poem for his eighth grade graduation, though it was about something completely different, it wasn’t difficult for him to tell it was from me.

Still he tracked down Nicole in our math class on one of those lazy days at the end of the year where the teachers aren’t teaching (and our regular teacher was out because of chemotherapy for cancer) to tell her how he felt about the letter.

To imagine, finally getting an answer to a letter I wrote to someone I liked in person, and it wasn’t to me at all. He went on about how he loved it, especially the poem. You would think that would cure me from ghostwriting love letters. The fact that my original missives to my original crush were never responded to should have stopped me from writing love letters as well. You would think…

To be continued…

 

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Raise Your Hand If…

This is a fun post that I came up with during the time Mr. Perfect was on vacation. Feel free to add to my list as you see fit in the comments section. I hope you get a little chuckle out of this…

Raise Your Hand if…

  • You’ve used more Queen Helene Cocoa Butter than you care to admit to.
  • Vaseline was your best friend.
  • Royal Crown, Dax, or Blue Magic highly figured in your haircare regimen.
  • You have more uses for castor oil, cotton balls, Witch Hazel, and/or Epsom salt than you have fingers.
  • You use vinegar for non-cooking related purposes.
  • You have any of the following in your medicine cabinet/bathroom: Castor oil, epsom salt, calamine lotion, baby lotion (and you have no baby), vinegar, cocoa butter, vaseline, pink razors.
  • You’ve worn more than two scrunchies on your ponytail at one time–and they were color coordinated to your outfit.
  • You own a belt of any color other than brown & black.
  • You have air force ones to match every outfit in your closet
  • You owned a Triple Fat Goose Coat & thought you were somebody.
  • You had chores to do when you came home from school–and didn’t get paid to do them.
  • You had to be home by the time the street lights came on.
  • You intentionally dressed like a friend or family member, down to the matching barrettes for your hair.
  • You had a barrette/scrunchie/headband bucket.
  • You sat between your mother’s legs on a pillow while she did your hair.
  • You knew when to hold your ear without being asked.
  • You ever asked your mom to blow on the straightening comb some more before she ran it through your hair.
  • You and your friends rode bikes in a pack.
  • You had the best sleep after a good whoopin’.
  • You couldn’t speak when adults were talking.

I could go  on, but I thought I’d leave some for you all to add on to this list. I loved my childhood and the many things and people that populate it. So many people can’t find anything happy or funny about the way they grew up. I had a great family life filled with great people and great traditions I plan to pass on to the next generation (should I have any progeny). I had the best heart to heart conversations while sitting in the kitchen on a couch cushion holding one ear while my mom straightened my hair.  Share your memories, etc. in the comments section, on twitter @2blu2btru, or email me at 2blu2btru4u@gmail.com.

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Freestyle Friday: The Pressed For Time Edition

Erykah Badu
Image via Wikipedia

First of all, I love, Love, LOVE music at work. I love the fact that I can sit around with my headphones one and work. You ever notice how when you put your iPod on shuffle and a song comes on you love, (and probably forgot you had), it gives you a second wind? Whether I’m exercising, scanning, or just driving home from work, music can help me make it through. I had a creative writing class that came up with a bunch of similies to start poems with. I want to add mine and see what y’all come up with. Love is like a radio…GO!

Even though this week has been hectic, I received a pick me up from another source as well: my penpals! I have received two letters already, and I have written them back. I think everyone should experience opening their mailbox and seeing an actual letter or card amongst the bills on days other than their birthdays.

I still need to do some major work on it, but I think my review blog is going to be awesome! I have a ton of reviews coming up, including Takers, The Karate Kid, Killers, Knight & Day, & so many other movies, interspersed with my take on movie trends, the Erykah Badu concert at House of Blues, reviewing my friend Ivan Keith’s music, and so much more. So go familiarize yourself and get ready for new content!

Speaking of new content, I am going to post a bit tonight (hopefully) and see if I can set up some posts to be released over the weekend (while I’m at Disney with Mr. Perfect & Mz. Independent! And yes, I do mean ALL of Disney…so excited!  :D). I have a marriage kit from Pink Susie & an Elder at my church to post, and so much more, so keep checking back!

As always, leave your two cents after the beep…BEEP!

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Event Planning on the Fly

Mr. Pefect and I were invited by a friend to her birthday dinner at a popular (read: busy and crowded) restaurant on International Drive. She texted me a week in advance that the dinner would be at nine p.m. It was a little late for me, but I said that I would go and help her celebrate her birthday. This was also my opportunity to meet her fiancée and see what he was all about. Mr. Perfect & I have tried to find couples to go out with a few times, and maybe this was a couple we could hang out with from time to time. Another friend and her escort were also coming, so it should be fun.

Well, it was a different experience than the one I was planning on having. Mr. Perfect & I arrived twenty minutes before nine. The restaurant was crowded and busy. We texted my friend to see where she was and to ask if they needed us to get a table. She said yes, for six. So we added our name for a table. The wait time for a group of six was about two hours at this time. We decided not to tell our friend, as it was nine already and she still wasn’t there. There was no use in telling her and allowing her to think she could be even later.

The wait time was actually more like  forty-five minutes, since most people decided to go to the bar and eat a limited menu rather than wait two hours for food. Mr. Perfect and I explain the others aren’t there and they tell us that they will escort them to our table when they ask (we gave Mr. Perfect’s name). So we sit and order water while we wait…and wait…and wait.

It was close to ten thirty before they arrived, after several texts, calls, angry stares from the waiter, being asked if we wanted a smaller table & whether or not we were sure they were really coming. After they arrived, they didn’t apologize or acknowledge the position they put us in at all. She didn’t introduce her fiancée or explain what had happened.

Usually when Mr. Perfect & I go out with other couples, something equally uncomfortable happens. First, it was a jealous, crazy, possessive girlfriend who soured the evening; then it was going out with the couple on the verge of breaking up. We have stood in movie theater lobbies while people argued whether or not he looked at that girls butt, sat on couches while couples fought about not being ready and tossed insults about each other’s weight and time management skills, and sat in restaurants sipping water by ourselves at a table for six; what gives?

I always thought that hanging out with other couples was one of the fun things to look forward to when you are part of a twosome. Couple’s game night, dinner & a movie, getting together to watch the game. Where do we meet the people who like to do THAT? I am so tired of being uncomfortable & not enjoying myself, of sitting there having to admit Mr. Perfect was right–I’d rather be cuddled up on my floor watching TV and eating carry out with him instead of here.

And why can’t we be on time anywhere?

I know of one cool couple, but they are newlyweds and aren’t thinking of anything else–and go them, but who are we supposed to go out with? Well, I FINALLY tracked down the female half of that couple and we are going to dinner tonight, so maybe once we catch up and hang out, we can reintegrate the guys and see how they get along.

I better go before I’m one of those late people I’m always complaining about. But leave me your thoughts on couples’ dating. What do you do? How well does it work? Any horror stories of your own?

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The Black Couple!

Found a new blog I love love love! It’s called The Black Couple. The couple, Kelli & Derrick, each post blogs about relationships & love between two Black people. Black love is indeed not dead, and wanting to be an example of Black love is beautiful. So read them, follow them, & love them with me 😀

Reading their recent posts (his & hers) about “the question” (when are you two getting married?) hit home especially, because I get asked that all the time in various ways (“When are you to going to make it official?” “He ain’t proposed yet? What is he waiting for?” “When are you and your handsome man getting married?” “Girl, just tell me what color the bridesmaid’s dress is going to be–keep in mind, I look great in sea green and pastels.”). Not only that, there are the assumers–people assume we live together (when I am CLEARLY the only one paying my rent), sleep together (nope…it ain’t easy, but it’s right), or that we are practically married anyway (no such thing).

Sometimes you get tired of saying the politically correct thing and want to tell people to mind their own business. Sometimes you want to turn to your Mr. Perfect with the question face too, like, exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes, you just want to keep working on yourself and your relationship without so many people putting their hands in.

Relationships are like heads and kitchens–you can’t have too many hands in their working. Too many cooks spoil the pot; too many hands in your head is bad luck (and can lead to some hair nightmares). I’ve had an experience or two with too many hands in my situation, and I had to slap them back like bad children reaching in the cookie jar before dinner. I have to protect & nurse my young relationship so it continues to grow strong.

Every year Pink Susie has to do Hurricane Preparedness for the group homes she owns. The state requires that you have a book with evacuation routes & shelters. You have to have so much in cash on hand per person, so much water on hand per person. You have to have up to seven days worth non-perishable foods and a back up generator. You have to take stock of all the food, propane, water, money, and routes/shelters each year and fill in any holes before hurricane season.

Marriage is a hurricane that requires preparation. In the world according to 2blu & God, there are no evacuation routes in marriage, and few shelters. You have to go into your season of marriage fully prepared to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. Too little preparation, and you might not make it.

And the same time, you aren’t going to be living the rest of your life in the storm. You don’t need to wait until you have two years’ worth of supplies to declare yourself ready for the storm. You miss out on good opportunities (and good people) that way. It’s all about a healthy balance and knowing the difference between wants & needs. You don’t completely brush your wants aside, but you keep it in perspective.

I want to have my loans paid off and be making a certain amount of money before I get married. I have about eight years of loan payments left, and am nowhere near the amount of money I want to make. Does that mean I’m commited to waiting another eight years before I get married? NO! I’m twenty five (girls –and boys–yes!) and I would like to have a family before I’m too old to run after a child, my body is too old to recover, or my risk for having a special needs child that I will get too old to care for too fast goes beyond what I”m willing to take. I also need a few years between I do and diapers. I don’t have eight years left to have great credit and no debt before I get married.  Being financially fit & prepared, being realistic is one thing; stalling yourself out & being in your own way is another.

As a recent movie I saw stated, the wedding is for the family, the wedding is for us. After you actually get married, no one really cares anymore, except to wonder when you are going to have a baby. Outside people are in life for the highlight reel: you & your spouse have to be in it for the entire match, game, series…season. Make sure you have your marriage preparedness kit ready before the marriage season comes.

I’ll tell you what’s in the kit another day (after some heart to heart conversations with all the expert married folks I know!)

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Things Couples Should Never Ever Do…

I heard this topic on the radio a few days ago and was supposed to write a blog post giving my list of things I think couples should never ever do, but I got sidetracked in a variety of ways that will be for other entries. These are kind of serious ones, but I would love some funny ones (or more serious ones), or even some (respectful) disagreements. I’m by no means an expert on relationships, but here’s my list of things that people in relationshps should never ever do (part 1):

1. Agree to do something you hate & they love. I don’t mean those things you don’t like but never tried or don’t know why you dislike them–I mean things you really hate. Why? Because you’ll just complain about how messed up A turned out, how you didn’t want to do A anyway, and bring it up every single time he/she decides not to do something you love & they hate. Whether you really HATE mountain climbing or parcheesi, just abstain respectfully and save injury and strain on the relationship. Find something you both like for things to do together.

2. Give up individual pursuits/spend all your time together: No, no no! On so many levels, no! Number 1 is the smother factor. If you smother a flame, do you know what happens? It goes out. Number 2, you are still your own person. It’s healthy to have interests outside of snuggling with your boobie or snickerdoodle. I blog. I work on my novel or other writings. I sing in my living room or  watch Bones. I read. Mr. Perfect loves to lift weights for hours on end. It’s not my thing, but he doesn’t get what’s so fun about blogging either.

3. Have Nothing in Common: Opposites do attract, but it doesn’t mean the attraction is strong enough to keep you together. If you are conflicting in some things you consider central to how you live your life, it won’t work. Some opposites are complementary, while some are each other’s antithesis. I can’t be with an atheist or a person who doesn’t believe in good personal hygiene; both are an integral part of my life, parts where an opposite is not sought or welcomed.

4. Believe sorry is unnecessary: Contrary to the popular phrase, love does mean having to say you’re sorry–when you truly are. Nothing kills relationships faster than someone who can’t admit when they’re wrong and make amends. When you step on someone’s foot, you apologize; how much more necessary is an apology when you step on your partner’s emotional feet.

5. Speak out of anger–the longer you are with someone, the more buttons you know to push for maximum pain. A lot of the damage our mouths do cannot be undone.

6. Tell your family/friends everything: we either only share all the good or all the bad, then expect our loved ones to have a balanced, impartial view of our relationships. Or, worse, we tell them everything, which can seem like an invitation to come manage your relationship. If you’ve ever seen Deliver Us From Eva or Two Can Play That Game, or any romantic comedy with a gaggle of female friends, sisters, older brothers, or others giving people advice, you’ve seen how this can get out of hand. It gets even more so in real life. Your relationship can become nothing more than a game of strategy to them, or worse, a reality TV show. Even those who mean well mostly just get in the way. There are some things that only you and your partner should know about in your relationship. Zip those lips!

7. Ask questions you don’t want the answer to: Most men cannot tell what questions these are. It only gets your feelings hurt, or forces them to lie. You know if your butt looks big in those pants, or if your butt really IS big, and no matter what is said, you aren’t satisfied. Rhetorical questions can also be lost on your significant other, especially if they are a Mr. Fix It, or Mr. Logical Answer to Everything. Your friends get it; do this with them.

8. Force intimacy through sex. If you don’t know anything about him, or don’t like him, don’t sleep with him. Don’t sleep with  him too soon either. I have too many friends who’ve wasted years on no account men because of good sex and nothing else. I don’t believe in pre-marital sex anyway, but if you just have to get it on, it should intimacy expression,not the forging of intimacy in your Queen sized bed.

9. Constantly reference previous relationships in a comparative manner: I don’t want to know you’ve dated people you think are better looking, or were skinnier, or made more money, or had more hair, or spoke eighteen languages, or chain smoked in spin class. If they were better, why are you with me? If they were worse, just be happy you have me. If you are always putting them down, what would you say about me should we part?

Major takeaways: Two people should not form a whole; they should be two wholes who love and respect each other enough to go through life together. You should be able to function without “your other half.” Also, loose lips sink (relation) ships! Be careful with your words.

Now it’s your turn. I told you mine, now tell me yours. 😀

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Day 1–Again

I have been doing well with a lot of my personal goals so far, but the one I quit on early was writing here everyday. I decided to pick it up again today. It will probably get a little boring, but I am always on the look-out for interesting topic. You can check the Twice Told Tales tab for any really good ones you may have missed (to be updated soon). So without further ado: friends and romantic relationships.

All of us know at least one person (usually female, unfortunately) who gets involved in a romantic relationship and loses touch with all of the friends they have. They get so single-minded in the pursuit of true love that we don’t see or hear from them anymore, until they come back heartbroken, if ever. I was always one of those dumped friends who was still around when the dust settled, but now that I am in a relationship, I can see how you can get caught up in it so deeply.

I’ve never had a lot of friends, and the ones I do have I’m very close with. I talked to them at least weekly . Mr. Perfect and I spend enough time apart that I am not taking away from our time to catch up with friends and family, work my second job once a month, and blog/ veg out watching Bones. If friends are available, I can go out to movies or do girl’s night things. I believe that relationships take time to grow & build; this includes friendships.

The other aspect I welcome your thoughts on is the aspect of friendly relations with your significant other’s friends. There may be that one friend he has that you don’t like, can’t understand why he likes them, or maybe you have a friend that rubs him the wrong way. You can’t erase those relationships (especially when most have been in their lives before you & may well be after), so how do you make nice & cope? Is there ever a your friend or me moment?

How do you balance the relationships in your life? Does it work? What ways have failed?

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Say What You Mean to Say

Sometimes it just feels really good to put all the cards on the table. You’re scared, because you don’t know if you have a winning hand or not, but you can’t bluff anymore. There comes a time when you have to put up or shut up. As you lay your cards down, your stomach dips a little bit, and your top lip beads with sweat, but you feel a sense of peace and relief. There’s no more gamesmanship, no punch and counterpunch. Either you have it or you don’t.

I experienced that type of moment just now. I finally said something that’s been bugging me for a long time. I put it all out there. I feel at peace with it. Whether the person responds with anger, surprise, contrition, or doesn’t respond at all, I did my part in communicating my true feelings.

There are still a lot of maybes. Maybe she wasn’t talking about me. Maybe it’s just her time of the month and her hormones went wonky. Maybe she’s never been my friend at all. But there are certainties, too: I don’t have to stand being belittled like that when I haven’t belittled her; I am owed the respect I have given her; if she didn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t have said anything; if she had  a problem with me, she should have said something to me first; I don’t need friends who don’t know how to be good friends and don’t care to learn.

I will explain here how I sometimes put my foot in my mouth, how people misunderstand things I say, how I really wanted to say all of this or that; that’s why I created this blog. But it’s really good to be able to say “I said something, and it was exactly what I meant to say, and it needed to be said.” I said it. That’s what matters.

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S’posed to be…but Ain’t

I gave  you several things to look forward to me writing about, and on top of them, I’m supposed to be writing my Money May update on my financial goals as well. I actually have written my Money May, and started crafting my June Job post, but I don’t feel like writing about anything I’m s’posed to be writing about. Hmm…

What I will tell you is that I introduced a character into my novel in progress, a father…well, two fathers actually. I furthered the last piece of the NIP that I had written, which is still only handwritten and not added to the manuscript on the computer, as I’m not very sure where it goes, exactly. I’m also not sure about points of time. I keep getting war imagery, and topics such as sharecropping, which require research. Things like how the rich chewed their chewing tobacco, and what they used to spit in. Or questions of antebellum architecture and family names. I struggle with my symbolism and my MDQ. I struggle with whether or not to use a certain derogatory term that would be genuinely (and sparingly) used and leaves me struggling with other ways to convey the sentiment otherwise. But at least I’m writing again, writing fiction, something that really matters to me. Progress.

In some ways, I’m like Temperance Brennan, aka Bones. I understand words, I have a way with them: I know what people mean to say and when they say what they mean; I know how words can hurt, and how they can heal I know the power of words on the human psyche. What I don’t know is people, real people. This is why I have so few friends. I don’t understand why people always want to hug; it’s mostly a rather awkward gesture I do because you should. I genuinely hug few people, if I hug you at all. I don’t always smile for the standard American reasons, such as enjoyment or good humor; sometimes I smile when I’m embarrassed, like the Japanese, or when I’m uncomfortable with something, or when the nonverbal cues suggest this is what the other person expects. Sometimes, I have no empathy or sympathy for fairly commonplace situations. It bothers me when people say things the wrong way, even when I know what they meant. I hurt/offend people without noticing at times. They don’t understand my sense of humor, or I don’t understand the memories connected to a certain word I may use. I spend a lot of time analyzing what people say to try and figure out what they mean. But some people’s mouths just aren’t connected to their actions or belief systems or what they will actually do. We call it “talking out the side of one’s neck.”  

I’ve come to realize that I don’t like people much. They lie, and as words are my major medium of understanding people, their lies only make it more difficult for me to connect with them at all. This doesn’t bother me often, it just…is. I used to think I had a lot of friends, because I took people’s word for it. I am quick to forgive. I’m fiercely loyal. I hate to be wrong about people. These are things I just have to learn to deal with better.

I don’t think I’m Claire Huxtable or June Cleaver, nor will I ever be them; they are fictional manifestations, amalgamations of several different women script writers thought they knew. I know romantic relationships are more than caring for someone as a mother would, cooking and cleaning. I know I’m not super skinny or breathtakingly beautiful. I know my natural hair doesn’t always look polished, my nails are usually broken, and I can’t walk in heels. I know I’m broke. I know I misplace things. I know people either love me or hate me; I can even tell you which one you are months, sometimes years before you realize it. I know my faith and optimism seems easy and grates on people’s nerves. I know my voice is annoying. I know I try to hold on to people that I should just let go of.

Most of all, I know words, and yours speak loud and clear. You can be silent now. I will be.

NOW…no more negativity. I owe you so much. I promise promise promise I will write all those things I outlined in the Same Script entry, as well as updating the Twice Told Tales page. If you have a topic you want me to talk about, you can send me a message via the “Contact Me!” section of the About Me page, or leave a comment.

God bless,

2blu2btru