I don’t have time to write this post, or I should say maybe I should write this post another time. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, though, and it isn’t going to be any different if I wait to write it, so why not jump in with both feet?
Another two friends are engaged and I’m super annoyed. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Let’s try that again: 1) Two of my friends are engaged. 2) I’m super annoyed. Those two thoughts, while linked, are not continuous. I’m not annoyed my friends are engaged; after about six years in the “window” for engagements, marriages, and first babies, this is nothing new for me. I love the fact that people are getting married and creating families. It’s a blessing from God. I would love to celebrate these happy occasions, fawning over rings and baby pictures, hearing about how he proposed and how you decided on a baby name, etc, only…something else happens.
Whenever anyone else at church gets engaged or married, and this has happened…a solid five times in four years, instead of being allowed time to congratulate the person and get all the feminine details that we like so much, I’m almost assaulted by people wanting to know when I will be getting married. Where is my ring? What is the problem? Why can’t you close the deal and lock this in?
Don’t believe that people would be that
rude impolite as to steal the spotlight from its rightful owner just to interrogate question me? Example: A friend at church got engaged after the Heat won the NBA championship (I have no idea how those two things are related because…well, you’ll see). Yesterday was the first time I’d seen her since I saw the announcement on facebook, and it wasn’t public knowledge around church yet. As soon as Sunday School was over, I began talking to her (we usually sit together in service). First order of business is to see the ring. So as she is showing me the ring, another sister walks up to say hello to us. She sees my friend in the classic “take a look at this rock” posture and asks if she’s interrupting something. My friend tells her that she just got engaged last week. The sister congratulates her, admires the ring…then searches my finger for a ring. Um, what?
The above is not the only time this happened yesterday, and the two or three “someone else is engaged; why not you” finger searches aren’t the only ones I had in the past week. I’ve had no less than 5 references to my unchanged marital status in seven days. As a matter of fact, when I started this post Sunday morning, it was going in a completely different direction because I was going to reflect on the other questions and talk about timing in that respect. But life happened and here we are.
The boyfriend, MensHealth, and I have discussed this phenomenon, and we both agree that it is a little
rude impolite to take the spotlight off of the couple that is celebrating their very new engagement. One guy even proposed at the church after morning services, and instead of rushing to congratulate them, a lady hit me for my lack of engagement! (Don’t believe me? Read it here) If I ever do get engaged, I would love to have the opportunity to get all girly and tell people how it happened, show off my ring, talk about when we plan on getting married and answer all the other questions newly engaged people are asked. I would actually have something to say in that situation. I wouldn’t want someone to say “oh, congratulations,” then turn to Dorothy* and say “Now when areyou going to get married, Dorothy?”
MensHealth brought up an interesting point. He sees that I get most of the brunt of these
cross examinations questions, which is what upsets him more. The fact of the matter is, us ladies don’t ask ourselves. I end up floundering for something to say. How can you answer why no one has proposed to you yet? MensHealth doesn’t like this because it seems to place the emphasis or onus on me, as if I must be somehow defective because after (4 1/2) years, I can’t seem to lock this relationship in, but for me the other issue is there’s really no way to say “you can’t blame me; I’m not the one holding this up” without putting blame on him, nor can I honestly say “I’m not even thinking about getting married.” The fact that people are “passing us”– i.e. people who began dating after us are getting engaged and married before we are even engaged–only adds fuel to the fire. Just what is the hold up?
What I should have said/wanted to say: I wanted to say “Really? This isn’t even about me; it’s about Jenny. As for me and my relationship, mind your business, or get you some business, whichever applies. I’ll get engaged when I get engaged and you will be the first to know.” But I’d never say that. It’s truthful, but it’s mean, and most people aren’t trying to be rude when they say these things. I should have said, “No, I’m not engaged; however, Jenny is engaged. Isn’t that wonderful news? Let’s celebrate this happy time with her and Craig*. She was just about to tell me how Craig proposed.”
How would you have handled this situation? Does this ever happen to anyone else?
Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually get to the original point of this post.
- [Put A Ring On It] (hannahsnote.com)
- Review: I See Rude People: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society (shannonhowell.wordpress.com)