One Step Forward…

Two steps back. I’m having a frustrating one two step with life right now. I am not anywhere near on track with my goals for the year I am 27; in fact, I have digressed. In. Every. Area. No, seriously. Well, save one.

I am having a difficult time at work, not because I’m not doing my job, but because I thought I was superwoman. I have this irrational fear of being fired. I’ve been fired once in my life, and I never want to repeat the experience. That was years ago, but it still affects my job performance now. I never say no to any task, even when I have too much on my plate already. I feel like if I say I have too much to do, it will be confirmation that I can’t hack it at this job.

Intellectually, I know that I am great at my job. I know that most of the time, I turn in great work. I accomplish whatever I set out to do. But I can’t stop knit-picking my performance: I stayed late too many times, so it seems like I can’t handle my workload in the designated hours; I left one or two things to do the next day, so obviously this is too much for me to handle; I had to ask a question, so obiviously I have no idea what I am doing. I am in full meltdown mode. I need to take a few deep breaths and relax.

I’ve been slacking in my spiritual life as well. I am full of a lot of meant to do’s. I’ve restarted this journal challenge so many times… Finding the time for anything 2blu centered is difficult, but it seems finding time to spend with God is especially hard right now. Of course, with all the career doubts and other worries, this is the time I should be spending even more time with Him, yet I feel pulled further and further away by life. Life is getting in the way of me dealing with life.

I had a bit of a pasta overload. Pasta is definitely a comfort food for me (not to mention it’s DELICIOUS). Anyone who knows me knows I really like pasta. I could eat it every day. I once read an article about Janet Jackson’s abs where she was quoted as saying something very anti-pasta, speaking about how it sticks to the colon. I have always been a fan of Ms. Jackson and her abs, and I knew in that moment those abs would never be mine. But I’m digressing.

I have been on a sort of pasta cleanse. I haven’t had pasta for…this is the beginning of day 5. I have thought about eating pasta every day. It’s ridiculous. I heard Jillian Michaels say on The Biggest Loser (which I watched on Netflix yesterday) that will power is overrated; sometimes you just have to remove the temptation completely. God so agrees with that! Sometimes you have to escape. So I haven’t bought any pasta to make or ordered it at a restaurant. You can’t gorge yourself on pasta if you don’t order it thinking you’ll just have a little bit. I don’t plan to give up pasta forever, but I do notice a difference already, and I’m happy about that. That heavy feeling is starting to dissipate. My body would like me to make healthier food choices, clearly.

Speaking of my body, I’m still not taking care of myself like I wanted. I’ve done a better job this month of starting that, but I am not getting in the exercising or other things I wanted to do. I am stressed about money and work and everything else, so my sleeping pattern is shot. I hated everything in my wardrobe. I was so not happy with my progress.

This month, a good friend of mine brought me some great work shirts, polos mostly, that actually fit me pretty well and gave me a little boost of confidence. I bought a new facial cleanser and I can see my skin returning to it’s normal smoothness and glow.  I started reading through Joshua, and I am getting a whole lot out of it. I am cooking at home more, which helps me a lot with portion control (and I don’t have to order like Sally Albright from When Harry Met Sally). I haven’t incorporated fitness as much as I would like, but I’m increasing it little by little. I still have no great fitness passion, nothing that I just have to do, but I’m beginning to understand that for me, fitness love is what you make it and with what you make it. It doesn’t seem as if I will fall in love with any exercise at first class; I’m going to have to acquire the taste for it.

I wanted to have something positive to say before I wrote something here, but something my boss said at work made me realize that I need to write it all here. She told me I was blessed with a certain quality that she just didn’t have. MensHealth told me the same thing about a different quality I have. Rereading one of my diaries, I can tell you that I haven’t always had either of those qualities; I had to work hard to be blessed with them. It’s important to record the journey so you know that it WAS a journey; you didn’t just start where you are right now. So, even though I am not where I would like to be, I can only start where I am.

XOXO

2blu2btru

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