Deflated

Yesterday I went out to my car during lunchtime, intent on getting to the bank and getting a money order, squeezing in a meal in between before I had to be back at my desk, to find my tire flat. Happy Monday to me.

But it wasn’t only the tire that was deflated; my spirit was deflated as well. During the past few years, I’ve been through so much that a flat tire shouldn’t even be a blimp on the radar screen of my problems. It was a case of the straw that broke the camel’s back.

In case you are new to me and my story, I will briefly recap some of the highlights, or lowlights if you will:

  • July of 2006, I found out my financial aid had run out and I couldn’t finish college where I was going, out of state.
  • August of 2006, I went back to school at a school in Michigan, but didn’t have transportation to get to school, nor the money for books.
  • November 2006, I returned to Florida to work for my aunt and establish residency here.
  • August 2007, I was finally able to return to school and graduated August 2008.
  • Late October/Early November 2008, I lost my job and my apartment complex was sold. My lease was terminated, I had no money, and nothing but faith.
  • November 2008, I find a new job and new apartment and start over. I am working as a temp., terrified of losing my job, and barely able to meet basic bills.
  • March 2009, my Stepfather dies.
  • May 2009 I am hit from behind in my car. The car is totaled, I have neck and shoulder problems, and am again scared to death of losing my job.
  • June 2009 I am hired permanently at my job.
  • January 2010, my bank account suffers from multiple ODs due to bank error; I lose half a paycheck. I still haven’t fully recovered from this.
  • June 2010, my complex holds on to a check for rent and deposits two at once, overdrafting my account and almost putting me on the street–again.
  • Now, still wrangling with my (soon to be ex-) apartment complex and a flat tire.

When, oh when, will life get any easier for me? I’ve tried to live right, keep faith, continue to be as good a Christian example as I can be, but after several years of hardship, my optimism is flagging. I’ve always been the type of person who tried to see God’s purpose in things, tried to be optimistic about the trials I am going through, but now I feel that I’m beginning to lose hope I’ll ever be anything but struggling. What I really want to do is take a week or two off and hide under my covers. But that won’t solve anything.

A coworker helped me put my spare tire on. We turned the tire round and round, but couldn’t find any nail or punctures in the tire. The treads were perfect.The tire didn’t appear to have any problems. It seems as if it just…wilted.

That’s how I feel…wilted, like a tightly closed wilting rosebud.

5 Comments

  1. It will get better. I’ve gone through some very hard times myself including not being able to eat much for a week (You’d be surprised how much weight you lose that way) to very close to being homeless, literally. Right now, if you look at me account, the digits are very lonely.

    Everything happens for a reason and it is just God’s way of preparing you for your blessing so when you get it you will appreciate it all the much more.

    Keep your head up.

  2. OMG you make me want to cry! I COMPLETELY understand your tuition and bank drama (I’ve got some of own if ever we get to have a nice cup of tea and sympathy!) and I have nothing but empathy for you! It seems like when things get down…they just keep going…until I you throw up your hands and The Lord takes over. Sit down, breath and let him take over because NOTHING BUT BIG THINGS ARE IN STOEW FOR YOU! 🙂

    Kelli
    http://www.theblackcouple.com

  3. I agree, you have been through a lot in the last couple years…and I don’t have any magic words that would help you feel better (sorry). I just know that in the past when the hard times have come one after another to knock me on my knees, a session of pity, followed by an angry cry, followed by the realization that I just may be at the bottom because it can’t get much worse usually helps.

    My prayers are with you…Good luck!

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