S’posed to be…but Ain’t

I gave  you several things to look forward to me writing about, and on top of them, I’m supposed to be writing my Money May update on my financial goals as well. I actually have written my Money May, and started crafting my June Job post, but I don’t feel like writing about anything I’m s’posed to be writing about. Hmm…

What I will tell you is that I introduced a character into my novel in progress, a father…well, two fathers actually. I furthered the last piece of the NIP that I had written, which is still only handwritten and not added to the manuscript on the computer, as I’m not very sure where it goes, exactly. I’m also not sure about points of time. I keep getting war imagery, and topics such as sharecropping, which require research. Things like how the rich chewed their chewing tobacco, and what they used to spit in. Or questions of antebellum architecture and family names. I struggle with my symbolism and my MDQ. I struggle with whether or not to use a certain derogatory term that would be genuinely (and sparingly) used and leaves me struggling with other ways to convey the sentiment otherwise. But at least I’m writing again, writing fiction, something that really matters to me. Progress.

In some ways, I’m like Temperance Brennan, aka Bones. I understand words, I have a way with them: I know what people mean to say and when they say what they mean; I know how words can hurt, and how they can heal I know the power of words on the human psyche. What I don’t know is people, real people. This is why I have so few friends. I don’t understand why people always want to hug; it’s mostly a rather awkward gesture I do because you should. I genuinely hug few people, if I hug you at all. I don’t always smile for the standard American reasons, such as enjoyment or good humor; sometimes I smile when I’m embarrassed, like the Japanese, or when I’m uncomfortable with something, or when the nonverbal cues suggest this is what the other person expects. Sometimes, I have no empathy or sympathy for fairly commonplace situations. It bothers me when people say things the wrong way, even when I know what they meant. I hurt/offend people without noticing at times. They don’t understand my sense of humor, or I don’t understand the memories connected to a certain word I may use. I spend a lot of time analyzing what people say to try and figure out what they mean. But some people’s mouths just aren’t connected to their actions or belief systems or what they will actually do. We call it “talking out the side of one’s neck.”  

I’ve come to realize that I don’t like people much. They lie, and as words are my major medium of understanding people, their lies only make it more difficult for me to connect with them at all. This doesn’t bother me often, it just…is. I used to think I had a lot of friends, because I took people’s word for it. I am quick to forgive. I’m fiercely loyal. I hate to be wrong about people. These are things I just have to learn to deal with better.

I don’t think I’m Claire Huxtable or June Cleaver, nor will I ever be them; they are fictional manifestations, amalgamations of several different women script writers thought they knew. I know romantic relationships are more than caring for someone as a mother would, cooking and cleaning. I know I’m not super skinny or breathtakingly beautiful. I know my natural hair doesn’t always look polished, my nails are usually broken, and I can’t walk in heels. I know I’m broke. I know I misplace things. I know people either love me or hate me; I can even tell you which one you are months, sometimes years before you realize it. I know my faith and optimism seems easy and grates on people’s nerves. I know my voice is annoying. I know I try to hold on to people that I should just let go of.

Most of all, I know words, and yours speak loud and clear. You can be silent now. I will be.

NOW…no more negativity. I owe you so much. I promise promise promise I will write all those things I outlined in the Same Script entry, as well as updating the Twice Told Tales page. If you have a topic you want me to talk about, you can send me a message via the “Contact Me!” section of the About Me page, or leave a comment.

God bless,

2blu2btru

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