Sometimes it just feels really good to put all the cards on the table. You’re scared, because you don’t know if you have a winning hand or not, but you can’t bluff anymore. There comes a time when you have to put up or shut up. As you lay your cards down, your stomach dips a little bit, and your top lip beads with sweat, but you feel a sense of peace and relief. There’s no more gamesmanship, no punch and counterpunch. Either you have it or you don’t.
I experienced that type of moment just now. I finally said something that’s been bugging me for a long time. I put it all out there. I feel at peace with it. Whether the person responds with anger, surprise, contrition, or doesn’t respond at all, I did my part in communicating my true feelings.
There are still a lot of maybes. Maybe she wasn’t talking about me. Maybe it’s just her time of the month and her hormones went wonky. Maybe she’s never been my friend at all. But there are certainties, too: I don’t have to stand being belittled like that when I haven’t belittled her; I am owed the respect I have given her; if she didn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t have said anything; if she had a problem with me, she should have said something to me first; I don’t need friends who don’t know how to be good friends and don’t care to learn.
I will explain here how I sometimes put my foot in my mouth, how people misunderstand things I say, how I really wanted to say all of this or that; that’s why I created this blog. But it’s really good to be able to say “I said something, and it was exactly what I meant to say, and it needed to be said.” I said it. That’s what matters.