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Race You There!

Is it possible for a couple to be on the same wavelength when it comes to proposal time, or is one person always waiting for someone else to be ready? What happens when one person is waiting for the other person to be ready? Where is the finish line in the race to the ring, and what criteria do you use to train for it? How do you pace yourself? Who really wants to win this race?

I wouldn’t want to be waiting in “I’m ready to get married now” territory by myself until the man in the relationship gets there, but it seems it almost always happens that the woman is waiting for the man. As Chris Rock says, “A woman goes on for good dates and she’s like ‘Why we bull#*%&? What are you waiting for?” “Men don’t settle down; we surrender.” So according to him, after “four good dates” we are patting our feet like Sonic waiting for you to continue playing.

I hate waiting. I’m the worst waiter ever. I love being on time; hate waiting. When you give me a time, I will probably be there a little before then, and I expect you to start on time. My people don’t always understand this. They see no reason to be on time, start on time, or otherwise acknowledge that time has a concrete function. It drives me crazy. The last thing I want to do is spend a bunch of time waiting for something that may or may not happen.

I know what you’re thinking; There I go again, making him go out on the limb first. But that’s not at all what I’m implying. If the male isn’t sure, he shouldn’t propose in the first place, but if he just has to ask, I will happily tell him where I am. I’m just not going to ask someone to ask me to marry them. I’m not that girl at all.

My desire isn’t to leave future hubby waiting for me, but for us to get there together. But can you reach that place together? Doesn’t someone have to be in the front? I’m not talking about asking, just knowing, just being able to say internally “this is the person I want to marry” instead of “this is a person I could see myself wanting to marry one day.”

Let’s say it’s not possible to get there at the same time. How long should the one in MarryMeLand wait for the one in You’reCoolButI’mNotSoldVille? We can say there’s not a specific timeframe or a need for ultimatums, but at some point you have to realize they’re just never gonna get there. Or not while you’re willing to me. I’m not with that Dr.Dre line from “Just Be a Man About It” : I mean, I wanna love you, and I’m gonna love you one day, but, you know I mean, you just gotta understand where I’m coming from.” One day isn’t enough. Maybe they just aren’t ready yet, or maybe they never will be. How do you know the difference?

Marriage is a commitment for life and not to be taken lightly. But sometimes you have to fish or cut bait, to be honest with yourself on whether or not you can commit to one person for life. Also to be  honest whether or not it’s just that you can’t commit to the person that you’re with, for whatever reason.

These are the things I think about while doing my job. Hmph…wish they’d just let me be on Twitter or Facebook.

5 thoughts on “Race You There!

  1. I know guys who have been living at You’reCoolButI’mNotSoldVille and I know women who have been with these guys waiting for him to come around. He never did and, if he did, it was a surrender because he’s an a$$ if he don’t marry her but he’s a d*ck if he marry her too soon (paraphrasing from that He’s Just Not That Into You movie). Women tend to know early on or tend to want to get married by year #3….one or the other.

    It hurts like hell to be dating someone living in You’reCoolButI’mNotSoldVille but the truth is awesome. If guys would be truthful about it and speak up about all the things that have them hesitant then it would allow us to explore our options instead of waiting only later to blame him for wasting our time to which they will say “you didn’t have to stay” but they gave the impression that they would come around.

    You see? It’s all gray areas which I hate. So, if I was in the situation, I would date other people and continue to date this fella as well. The exclusivity of a relationship can lead to regret which is what I am feeling right now. If you are open to meeting other people you can find someone whose pace matches yours and you, if nothing else, can stop watching the clock waiting.

  2. And, most of these guys living in You’reCoolButI’mNotSoldVille end up married within the next year….this happened to a woman at my church. She talked about it often swearing up and dwn it didn’t bother her but I knew it did because I heard it in her voice and I could see tears she’d cried late at night when no one esle was around. Most men want to marry (most do not) but they often hold out for that one prized woman. Men have options on top of options….look at the stats.

  3. I wonder why it rarely goes the other way around. Men almost never seem to be waiting on us to decide what we want. Is it biological? Is it social conditioning? Is it just that if he wants, he can get someone with all my qualities in half Black & half Thai? I think options definitely plan a role. Men seem to always want someone better. They joke about us but they are looking for perfection, whatever that means to them–and stand a better than fair chance of getting it!

  4. I know of one time it went the other way lol it was a minister of my church. She (yes, I said she) was dating this guy, shacking w/her daughter from a previous relationship, just living all up in sin (she told us her “testimony”). Her boyfriend wanted to get married but she didn’t. For whatever reason she was content w/their life as it was and she wasn’t looking for anyone else but that is the key difference. Men seem to always be looking for something better so I agree with you… want perfection. My minister was just looking for things to stay the same….if it ain’t broke why fix it?

    I did play this game recently though. I was dating this guy for a few months but we weren’t “officially” a couple. I was nagging him left and right about it and then I just left it alone. He later said I was always bringing it up so it made a man (who is already a commitment-phobe) run and hide. So, this time around, I didn’t say anything about a relationship or title. Ok, I did lol but this same guy told me not to do it and see how most guys react. When I didn’t ask, didn’t make it my main goal, when I enjoyed life, being single, and had my friends…..he came around and wanted to participate in my life.

    That does not work with all guys and men are people so “experimenting” is only ok when it rights (lol) but it made sense so I tried it. From the men I know, they want a financially stable woman who doesn’t need his money, a Christian, someone who can cook (that’s my 1st strike), someone who is loyal, someone who encourages them when they need it, someone attractive who takse care of herself (working out, eating right, stress-free, facials, etc) someone who is fun and personable, and someone who has their own life & interests. There’s more to that list but I think those are basics to getting your foot in the door. All else is negotiable. If he isn’t asking then one of those things he does not see you meeting…..ask him. Men don’t stall without reason….trust me!

  5. My mom was the exception. My stepdad was always talking marriage but she kept putting him off. Probably for the same reasons as in the case you know of. She was just perfectly content. But then people were always trying to marry her. My mom is gorgeous, can cook and keep house, keeps a job and can have intelligent conversation. Men would follow her home and everything! I’m not that kind of gorgeous and I don’t have that power!

    Sometimes he’s not seeing something in you, but sometimes he’s just not ready to be married. You could be Michelle Obama he just don’t wanna. Some men never will be and some just aren’t when you know them.

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