My aunt’s funeral is today. I’m not there, of course. That’s in Chicago; I’m in Florida– Orlando, to be exact. It doesn’t matter that I’m not there physically. I knew my aunt pretty well. She was very involved in my life, as I’ve written. She is not there. She’s not anywhere that I can see her or talk to her or feel her. Funerals are for those left behind, it’s how we let go. We see the casket closing and we know that the person inside of it is gone for good (hence, why people fall apart when the casket is closed at every funeral I’ve ever been too). It wears on people who are guilty–of underloving, overloving, not loving at all, or those who have mistreated the deceased or said something they shouldn’t have the last time they spoke to them–and those people wail and moan and show out. Mothers and children go nutty and break down, or get angry at the guilty mourners for “putting on.” I know it’s real agony; it’s a hurting thing to know you’ll never make it right. I also know why people get angry at them. I know why people hate to see the casket close. Doesn’t mean I have to be there for any of it. The theatrics my family is capable of aren’t what my aunt deserves. I only would have gone for Deidre, but nothing I can say would make it any better or hasn’t been said by countless others who will still be there, at least physically, after I would be back here. I have no money and no vacation days. And I hate funerals; I’ve only been to 5, and 2 of them have been within the past 13 months.
I’m also not at my chapter’s 30th charter anniversary this weekend. I wanted to be there, had planned to be, but the money wasn’t there. I could recap that series of unfortunate events, but I have bigger problems. Anyway, I would like to be there, if for no other reason than to see some familiar faces and get my crossing jacket, lol. I’ve heard about some things a lot of them have said about me, but I was more than willing to put it aside in sisterly love. I would have had a fabulous time, and it would have been nice to at least be a little bit accepted, as I haven’t found that in the sorority members here, to be where folks at least know I’ve been through the process and I earned my letters. To be around women who I’ve never seen turn another sister from anywhere away. Who uphold all those tenets I joined for. I’m missing bonding and gathering twitter names and emails and blogs. I’m missing pictures of the babies and meeting the hubbies and boyfriends and showing off Mr. P. I’m missing Den pops & Von’s & The Clap Circle and The Tree. I’m missing a little bitty part of 2blu 🙁
My job is making a slave of me, asking me to do things so far past my job description and not in my field it’s unreal. I am sent to look up accounting documents, match numerical mumbo-jumbo with invoices, approximate origination dates of checks, research complex relationships between checks, double payments, credits, and split payments, scan, QA, and linking, as well as sending to completion and searching out missing documentation and correcting discrepancies. To review, I am a Support Specialist, aka Scan Girl. I–wait for it–scan. Maybe I even QA. But I shouldn’t be doing anything beyond that, least of all being so involved in accounting’s machinations.
Blondie and Raven are working my last nerve. They come into the break room and eat lunch almost everyday now. I had been successfully avoiding them by not going to the pub. I was able to sit and read my book in peace and quiet. Not so much anymore. I need to find a new place to go and refocus and calm myself. Maybe the little park down by the old building. I could sit under a tree on a bench and eat, then walk for a half an hour. I’ll have to finish IT, though, before I can do that. I need to do something, though, because they are on the LAST nerve!
I tried a new workout–Rock Hard Body: Abs. It was brutal, all sit-up and push-up positions. I had to calm my mind & stretch my body with yoga after so I didn’t have to walk like the Incredible Hulk, careful of my tight side abs afterwards. I found a runner who loves yoga and was at first a non-believer (she found it boring); maybe she can help me find running fun, as most other things aren’t helping me lose belly fat. I’ve gained belly muscle, though. There’s at least a fantastically flat two to four pack under all this flab. I just have to find it.
I’ve been looking around for some new blogs to be into. A lot of blogs on my blogroll have stopped updating, or don’t match up with what I would like to be reading, so don’t be surprised if things change.
I have a ton of things to get to and not much time to do them. I hope everyone has a great weekend and keep reading.
Love, Peace, and Hairgrease,