You Cheated on Me…Didn’t You?

What do you consider cheating, and is that what your partner considers cheating? Most people I know (myself included) usually just assume that the other person agrees with their definition of cheating, as if there is a universally agreed upon definition, when there really isn’t. Some people don’t view sex with another person while they are married to someone else as cheating if their spouse knows about it. Some people think looking at someone else with lust is cheating. There aren’t any specific acts that everyone agrees constitute cheating or being unfaithful.

This was brought to my attention watching Unfaithful on Discovery. The subjects of the show were in a pretty straightforward case, but for another entry. The commercial for the series sparked a discussion that was interesting to say the least.

It’s usually easy to effectively relate what Mr. Perfect’s position on a subject to be. He states things very clearly, or I know the answer ahead of time. But when someone, anyone, says something you were not only not exxpected but are intinsically opposed to, you lose the exact meaning and qualifiers while composing a counterargument, are in shock, or are restraining yourself so they can finish their sentiment and not fully paying attention to what they are saying. In any case I am not as confident as usual in my recall of his exact views. Before my blaackout, I did manage to assimilate the impression that pretty much unless you are married, you have no obligations or claims beyond what you choose to do and what the other person chooses to allow, so you cannot cheat on that person as you have no real commitment/contract. He wouldn’t do it, cheating or not, but he doesn’t consider it being unfaithful because there is nothing to be unfaithful to. Well, that’s what I heard, but as I said, I got fuzzy after not considered cheating.

I must admit, I was shocked. I asked him if he could cheat on me, then? Wouldn’t be cheating, he says. No formal commitment. No contract.

In my opinion, if a relationship has been pronounced exclusive and monogamous, there can be cheating. Cheating is a breach of trust,. No matter what specific actions you think are cheating, it is because you trusted someone not to do something and they did it knowing you wouldn’t approve. Whether or not you have a right to be angry legally doesn’t matter. If Mr. P. cheated, I can’t take him to court, but he still cheated. I trusted him not to do A, expressed I didn’t like him doing A if we werre going to be in an exclusive relationship, he agreed not to do A. If he does A, he cheated. Period. What do I consider cheating? If you can’t do it in front of me without getting cut, cursed out, or, if I can keep from sinning. ending our relationship, it’s cheating, lol. Seriously, if you are emotionally connecting to awoman in a romantic way, or being physically intimate–touching sexually, kissing, sex or any kind. Phone sex counts too, as well as cyber sex.

It may be worse to cheat on a …spouse because you have a legally and spiritually binding contract, but having trust betrayed hurts the same in both cases. (P.S. Stupid phone!) Your thoughts?

2 Comments

  1. So, let me make sure I understand this correctly. Mr. P does not think agree with you on what defines “cheating”. Mr. P thinks that anything involving a woman outside of you is not cheating because there is no real commitment/contract. Then you typed that he would not do it although he does not think it is an act of being unfaithful if he did. So, imo, whether he will or will not do it is irrelevant because if he does a) he does not have to tell you about it unless he wanna get cut b) it’s not cheating in his opinion and c) marriage is the only form of commitment he adheres to.

    I guess I respect his viewpoint no matter how it agrees or disagrees with my own. I cannot believe you two are just discussing this after 2 yrs together. Well, at least you know how he feels and I assume you understand although you clearly do not agree. You take it for what it is and see whether you can accept that. I know another guy who does not view a relationship as a commitment. In his eyes, you are either married, or single. Nothing else exists.

  2. 2blu2btru

    That’s churchfolks all day here! Married or single. Had a minister tell me it was because boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not sanctioned by God. What’s between seeing a nice man at church and getting hitched in this scenario I know not.

    It’s not the first time it came up, but the first time I asked he didn’t say it that way. He said you can only cheat in a committed relationship, not that commitment starts in marriage.

    He seems to think that pre-marriageit is a question of right and wrong on his part and not an obligation to someone else. That you are only accountable to yourself until marriage I completely agree with, but cheating is cheating and whether you owe me & explanation or not. Mr. P. is the type to leave before cheating *whatever it would be called*

    Related this to male coworkers and they agreed this is pretty much most male sentiment but neither of them would say so out loud for fear of their significant others. I guess at least it show we can talk abot anything and he isn’t afraid to tell me anything.

    Would say morebut it’s for a future blog 😀

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