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Marriage Prep., or; Set in my Ways

There are some things that will have to change before I ever get married. I thought of this, not because I was asked, but because of something said at church about wives. It’s not that I didn’t agree with the statements, but because they made me seem a little too ready. So before I start to feel myself a little too much, I thought I’d share where I would be “closed for repairs” before I said I do.

1. I pimp my v-card too hard. When it’s pants weather, I don’t keep my legs free of hair. Why? I get to it when I feel like it, it gets too long, or the weather changes and I want to wear shorts or capris. While I trim, I don’t completely “mow the front lawn”…ain’t nobody supposed to be on my grass. My toes aren’t always painted. I have a few extra pounds that I can camouflage with the right clothes. But being naked is a real eye opener. Nobody sees all the details I let slide in favor of more sleep or to save a buck. When you get married, Vicki doesn’t leave a lot of secrets. I’d have to really step it up.

2. You want me to put what where? Yes, I do yoga, and though my pilates game has fallen off, I can do a lot of that too. And while I can get into some odd positions, I don’t have a high sex IQ. I don’t own a kama sutra. I don’t have any practice using my kegel muscles to do anything but keep me from peeing my pants. I don’t have the know how to do any freaky sneaky stuff that will turn anybody out. I might suck at sex (and not in a good way)!

3. Let me cater to…me! In a lot of ways, my man gets the royal treatment. I was taught to fix my man his plate first. I cook. I clean. I watch sports and go to church and would probably make a good mother. But there are whole days I devote to myself. I write. I pedicure/manicure. I wash my hair and wear a face mask. I listen to country music. I do nothing but watch movies in my PJs. I can’t have those lazy cow days so often when someone else is there that wants dinner, sex, clean socks, or needs me to look good at the drop of a hat and whip up something for the colleagues. I do some things because I want to and not because I have to. I gotta get my mind right before I agree to do it all the time, in writing, before God.
4. Til Death do us part? It’s easy to sit my unmarried self here and say there are only 2 biblical ways to absolve a marriage–infidelity and death. OK, and non-consummation, but that doesn’t absolve the marriage because it hasn’t begun. Where there is no blood there can be no covenant. But what about after I am married, and all those little things you forget to consider start to show up? What if I didn’t marry who I thought I did? Will I be in it for the long haul? I don’t worry about me as much as him: what if he is unhappy and leaves? What if I put myself out there and he says it’s not enough? Hopefully I will have covered the basics like money, religion, and children/child reang, but there is so much more.
5. make room for hubby. I will have to rid of some things, share the hot water in the morning, cook things that he likes as well as thing I like, consider what he may want to do and not just what I want to do, remember him when I’m shopping for groceries or household items. You have to make a lot of physical (and mental) room for someone else, even if you never really lived by this principle before. I have to call when there is a change in my routine to let him know I’ll be late, I can’t just go out when I want to and go home when I feel lie it. Truth be told, I don’t go out til crazy times at night, or get wild in the club now, but it’s the fact that I couldn’t then if I wanted to that would need some work.

6. …Or get your money back! I love money back guarantees. I have probably taken something back for a refund twice in my life that didn’t work, and gotten a fresh new one. But there are some things you give in a marriage that you will never get back if it doesn’t work: time, opportunities, virginity, sometimes friends and loved ones for various reasons. People who have been your family that you no longer have a tangible connection to you and who may decide that, in fairness to Mr. True Love, they can’t talk to you or get a bite to eat. Maybe your belief in the whole institution is scarred beyond recognition. Your faith in the humanity of another human being. But you still kinda, just a little, on days when the sun is shining, he pays on time, and he actually picks up the kids like he said he would, still love him. Once given, still there, even if it’s just a “we are the world” love, a “we had some good times, didn’t we?” love, a “he sure knew my spot” love. As Dru Hill asked in a (cover) song “What Do I Do with the Love?”

So how much time does one need, with the right person, to resolve all of these¬†issues, and the plethora of others that come up before “I do” but after “Will you”? How long should an¬†engagement be? What the heck should a person be nailing down in the engagement process? To pre-nup or not to pre-nup? At what age do you become a little too set in your ways to accept all of these changes?


P.S. NOT rhetorical! Comment

6 thoughts on “Marriage Prep., or; Set in my Ways

  1. I think it’s not about how much time you spend with someone or even how long the engagement is. It’s more so about the quality of that time and how you open you are to letting that person see you for who you really are…..the good, the bad, & definitely the ugly with morning breathe! Since I’ve been married before, I go right in thinking about husband qualities because I know what I need and what I can’t stand. These things I didn’t know before and no one around me was successfully married to even share their stories or experiences. I wished people talked about their marriages more but most think it’s too personal or they feel ashamed to say they flat out don’t like their spouses sometimes.

    I know one couple who dated and then he proposed. The guy dated this young lady for about 2 years…bypassed the boyfriend/girlfriend stage and just proposed. I thought the engagement was time to plan the wedding which I never cared too much about so I would say it’s to tie up loose ends maybe. Not a good time for that lol but I dnt know. My vice now is sharing my space in any capacity. I have a handle on exercise, hair, shaving, trimming, toe nails, and other lil stuff like keeping yourself up. One thing I don’t do too well is cook but I find most guys would prefer a caring & sweet person over Martha Stewart (imo). I do wanna take cooking classes though.

    I think it will help to do it as a routine for you and then it will stick. I used to only shave my legs in the winter until I started dating and realized guys usually come over during the winter while I’m walking around my house with my hairy legs exposed. I still think any marriage that will work involves a real friendship (not an assumption that he is your friend or vice versa), having an attraction to the other person (and making sure you keep yourself attractive), not forgetting to spend time with each other & have fun, and making sure you both can look at this like a business as well. Finances, kids, vacations, assets, debts, etc….it’ll come out eventually so might as well talk about it before the engagement.

  2. Yes, I definitely wish more married couples would tell you something other than get married or wait to get married! I have quite a few examples of marriage, but it’s only from the outside looking in, with people not telling you much about what goes on after I do. My aunt, married 40 years V-Day, was only dating 6 months before they were mArried, but told me you should date 3 yrs…no explanation provided.

    I always thought the engagement was for planning the wedding and getting your lives enmeshed, for lack of a better term, lol. Opening the household account, securing a home/apartment, deciding whose couches stay, getting blood tests…and for me, getting my cookie waxed, collecting sexy (ier) lingerie, giving the cooking skills a good workout, get my flexible on with some extra yoga…

    I always get caught having to run a shave my legs, and the razor half chokes to death on it, lol…I am working on it, though! I exercise now, but if I don’t look swimsuit ready it’s fine when you’re the only one looking. I have to get use to sharing my body and my space. I put things exactly where I want them and don’t move it! That’s going to be a hard habit to break. I even put the toilet paper roll the same way everytime.

  3. I know 2 married couples who talk often about their issues mostly after they aren’t as bad anymore. One is a blogger who writes about other stuff but I really love her experiences with her husband who is older & how attraction & friendship takes on diff dimensions & importance as the yrs go by & situations change. She always says most young folks don’t expect or aren’t told to marry for reasons other than “things” because her husband lost most of his and it was tough to just have him standing there. No big salary job. No good benefits anymore. No sexy ponytail (he lost his hair). No young toned body (age lol). Another couple married about 2 months and she too said date for a long period of time but I know her reason why. In the beginning things are great & this person is nearly perfect (in your eyes) so she didn’t see his flaws, his mood swings, etc that piss her off constantly now. I swear boyfriend & husband qualities aren’t the same so I get smacked on my hand for looking for a husband in a boyfriend but I dnt have time to waste esp when I know what I want.

    I didn’t think about combining both lives during the engagement process. I never did the joint bank account(s) only because I’m possessive about my money. If you promise to pay your half then I promise to pay my half. Now, this could be because my ex never had any money mgmt skills so I will have to work on that fear. Blood tests? Explain please.

    Sharing my space is the most difficult thing because after a few hours I’m thinking to myself “why is he still here?!” lol I don’t like people walking thru my apartment. Looking in rooms. Getting into my space in any way prb because I don’t do that I expect others not to. I am anal about putting things in their space but I’ve learned to relax on that because my kids make an effort to mess up my neat organized anything.

    I think if you try to be womanly regularly you’ll do things that you only did rarely. I shave my legs like every other day because it’s become a routine when I’m in the shower & I start to hate feeling stubble on my own legs. I get my brows done monthly along with my toes (my toes don’t chip often like my fingernails). I paint my fingers clear but sometime I might do color. I get my hair done every other month knowing I feel good when my hair is cute. Start with little stuff and soon I was loving it not thinking about who I was attracting because I showed I cared about myself and my appearance. Preserve the sexy lol

  4. I am not sure about joint bank accounts, only a household account, an account that you put money in automatically and we pay the bills online. You can request a certain amount of your check for that account from your directly deposited check, so there’s no “I overspent; can you get my half of” blah blah blah…nope, it’s already in the account (lol, I guess I don’t really trust people with money either)! I’m keeping my own account for my own things (he don’t need to know how often I spend money on clothes or waxing or whatever…and don’t need direct access to it either, and vice versa). The blood tests are the tests they make you take before you can get married (I don’t know if they still make you take these, but we’re going to get that whole, “do you have anything I don’t want to catch” thing out of the way!)

    The only things I’m womanly about are my hair, my face, and my underwear. I love lacey pretty underwear and nightgowns, underwear that matches. Nobody sees it now, but that will come in handy when someone does! I do my own hair, and have a whole cabinet of professional supplies from Sally’s to do it, along with face masks and creams. I hate trying to pedicure (my big toes are a little Fred Flintstonesque, and have ridges on the nails), even though I can, down to the hot towel massage of legs and feet, quite proficiently. I’m going to try to get back to doing all the rest regularly; we will see how it goes. This is only day 2 (I started over yesterday).

  5. Interesting idea – creating a Marriage Kit from tips and advice! Myself-married 9 years, together almost 14 years. You can do the math on the “dating” period. Anything anyone tells you will be 100% subjective and not necessarily translatable to your life. But here’s my 2 cents anyway:

    1. Choose carefully.

    2. Find your equal. In intelligence, basic values, humor. If someone makes you feel inferior, or if you think they are “a little behind” sometimes, then you are not equals.

    3. Equality also applies to what it takes to conduct everyday life. It is quaint to be concerned with the domestics of keeping a husband, but he should be able to make a decent meal, do a load of laundry and dust a room. And you should be able to mow the lawn, take out the trash and pump your own gas. And you both should be perfectly happy to do a chore from either “domain”. This is called “Helping Each Other.”

    4. As Grandpa Tantillo said on our wedding day, Don’t go to bed angry.

    5. Communicate and be careful with one another. Also known as “Respect”.

    Good luck!

  6. […] Am I too set in my ways to be […]

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