I promised to wrap up the year and put it to the back of the closet, so that’s what I’ll do. But before I can do that, I have to take it out and look at it again, so I’ll know it when I see it, in case someone tries to give me another one.
This year began horribly, so I am not surprised nothing went according to plan. At the end of 2008, I had lost a job and an apartment, gotten a nasty note from my father about me being ungrateful and blah blah blah, taken a temp job, moved into my apartment without heat in temps that dipped below thirty for the first time in decades (no hot water either), had my phone cut off, and all manner of tomfoolery. I brought in the New Year asleep on my floor wrapped in a blanket (no I didn’t have couches in my apartment either; it was a big empty mess…sigh) by myself, watching Notarized Top 100 and feeling like music was dead and not just Auto-tune (but especially auto-tune, one could say).
In 2009, I continued to lose things. I lost my car. It was totaled in an accident in May on my way to work. I lost my stepfather in March after a long illness he seemed largely recovered from, at the young age of 51. When I lost my stepfather, I lost that one person that always made sure that I knew he was proud of me, no matter how I felt about my situation. There was always an up side. That, people, is where my optimism comes from, that driven belief in myself. Do not be fooled; my stubborn, hardheaded father is not the source of that. I lost that person who encouraged everything that I ever wanted to do (including singing…and no I’m not great; I’m merely passable. But the way the music industry is now…I could change the game, lol.). How do you find the place that person has left that belief, that encouragement, for you to keep with you once their gone? I don’t know. I haven’t found it yet.
I had some sorors visit me in July, and that didn’t go according to plan either. It was the middle of the year and things were slightly better, so I knew that this would be the thing I needed to revive me a bit. Some people from my past that I’d known when things were going well, people I had been close to or felt like I was growing close to through conversations since I’d left to come here. The only problem is the 2blu2btru they knew largely didn’t exist anymore. I would even venture to say a large part of who they may have thought I was never existed. The same could be said for me as well. You encounter people in certain realms and you get along great and you love talking to each other and can’t wait to get together outside of those realms and have a good time. But then you discover your good time and theirs is different. Or you are at two different places. Or, Lord forbid someone (or everyone) is on their period. Or whatever. With women it could be anything. The weekend was fun in parts, tiring, introspective, everything. Sometimes I felt like a spectator, like someone watching from home who wasn’t really there at all. You know how you yell at a TV, but no one’s expression changes, no one turns to answer you? It’s because you aren’t really a part of it. We are, to the best of my knowledge, still friends, but different friends. Not friends who give advice and talk quite a few times in a week anymore though. I am running short on those for the year.
My year hasn’t been all bad. I finally got couches in my apartment. I got a permanent position at the company I temped for. I just got my first annual review (after six months–change in policy, long story), and it was great. I was recommended for a raise and got a holiday bonus. I have another car. My biological father and I have a better relationship now. My stress level is lower since I quit working for Pink Susie. Mr. Perfect and I are still together, and our relationship is stable. I have a phone this year (and heat and hot water). I even have internet to type this on.
If this year has taught me anything, it’s that I’m resilient. Losing people through death or growing apart, losing jobs, housing, certainty, my beliefs, and my belief in myself hurt me, but it didn’t break me.
What are my resolutions? What am I looking forward to? What are my hopes for the year? Well, that’s a whole other entry. Right now, I’m going to spruce up the apartment and wait to see what the plans are for tonight.