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So I Know It’s Real

It has been my usual habit lately to write here and then repost the piece on one of my more widely read writing outlets, mostly to get comments on them. But this one I don’t think I will repost, because I don’t necessarily want the opinions of those who know me, think they know me, have me as a friend on facebook, or are just nosy when they see I tagged their friend on a news feed. Nothing against any of those people, and I thank them for their commentary, it makes life interesting, but there are some things for which you don’t need a familiar audience.

Things are not as easy for me as I thought they would be. Very general, and very true generally speaking. I did not graduate into a world, an economy that made it easy for someone like me, used to having these marvelous opportunities fall into my lap. It had taken so much out of me just to graduate, I thought that I would then have the opportunities that graduation provided handed to me. I dropped the ball on my first post-graduation job. There are so many reasons that I could give as to what happened there, but the reality is I failed miserably. I chose the wrong place to live and ended up having to move anyway. Was nearly homeless and jobless and did not want to have to move back in with my aunt, into the pre-determined world my aunt provided. I only told my mother, my boyfriend, and a few choice church members that I wasn’t at that job anymore. It was horrible.

I am doing well at my new job. I spoke to my “boss” yesterday. Here’s the whole situation in a brief moment. I am working for a temp agency and this is my first assignment. I was hoping they would find me a fulltime position, but this position came up first and I really needed the money. The thing is, all the regular employees I’ve spoken to started out as temps like me, through the same temp agency, so I started thinking, “maybe this will be permanent.” My boss really likes my work. I don’t do much. I do backfile scanning and I do the QA for the work I scan in. He asked me if I liked the job once and said he really liked my work and had spoken to HR about me, but I heard nothing else about it. Yesterday, as he was signing my timecard, he asked me again. He circled my hours. I can only imagine because there are a certain amount of hours you work for a company with my agency before you can convert someone to a regular employee with your company without paying a conversion fee.

Anyway, I said I did like working there. I do. The people are nice. I get to work in a cubicle with my headphones on. I don’t have to deal with irate customers. I work at my own pace. It’s ideal for me right now. I’m not ready to be the team leader, the standout, just yet. I am working on being responsible for a little, then being rewarded with more opportunity. I am actually excited about working for what I get. Imagine that! Anyway, as my 1-2 months is approaching a close and there is still obviously more work to do beyond that, I guess he was wondering if I would stay on. They were supposed to hire someone else to work with me, but they decided against that. Don’t know why. Anyway, he said that my liking the job was good because there was obviously a lot more work to do, and other departments also wanted me to help them out, doing the same kind of thing. He was very pleased with my work and would let the agency know. I am leaving my mark!

Now, to the boyfriend. This relationship thing is harder than I thought. He is now about to start his last week of his master’s degree, and I am now thinking about what that means. For one he will have more time, and, I think, will get more restless with our relationship. My biggest fear is that he wants me more because he should, because I am what he thinks he should want. Maybe even that I am what he thinks he needs, but not what he wants. He, I think, will get bored with me, because he thinks I am not…well, fun, really. He feels like we are already married, i.e. boring.  I sometimes feel like if I could just tell him that something was wrong with me, wasn’t perfect about me, it would make him feel better about me. I don’t know if that’s because he feels like that would make me more human to him or not, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling. I find myself not growing closer to him, but more detached, like I am preparing myself for an inevitable breakup, for whatever reason.

So you see, these aren’t the kinds of things you want to put to people who know you. They will ply you with platitudes, try to assure you he doesn’t feel that way, tell me I could do better, whatever. I am not in the mood for reinforcement, validation, denial. I just kinda want to feel.