So, every year me and New Year’s Resolutions have it out. I can’t lie; I think it’s more of an amusement to me to read other people’s resolutions than it should be. I know most of you are lying. Some of you don’t know you’re lying, but I do, and that’s cool, too. So before I go any deeper into this, I just want to tell you, if I end up attacking your new year’s resoultions, it’s not because I sought you out intentionally or even know you personally, unless otherwise indicated. I also want you to know my corny sayings for 2009 are branded; I will sue, or expect to be compensated for use. Finally, you know how I am. I say what needs to be said, etc. As Heath Ledger is now famous for saying “Why so serious?”
So, first I’m going to start with some of the crappy resolutions and sayings that are found all over sites like facebook and myspace. Again, if you think I’m talking about you, I’m not, specifically. It’s just you are just like everybody else on facebook. So…
1. No haters/ Not going to let the haters get me down type resolutions–Okay, so the problem I have with this one is best illustrated by my man (I think I have his blog name picked out, but am taking suggestions): Everyone cannot have haters. Really. If you think about it, to be hated on, you have to have something that other people want. I.E., if you are struggling to pay bills, can’t keep a man, can’t buy an A in school, live at home with your mother and you’re thirty, always borrowing money, haven’t figured out you are not as cute as you are in your mind, or just plain “can’t get right,” you do NOT have haters. You have sympathizers. You have empathizers. You have people who may want to be your Life coach or Made coach. But you don’t have haters. Secondly, if for the sake of argument you do have haters, there’s no way to rid yourself of haters but to be less hateable. So if you really want to get rid of your haters in 2009, be the person no one else wants to be. If not, haters are your cross to bear, so grin while you are doing so, just to keep the haters mad.
2. About mine in ’09–I don’t say this to be facetious or sarcastic by any means, but, sweetie, what were you about in 2008? *Serious face* Where you all about some man? Getting drunk and taking half naked facebook pictures? Showing the whole club your neon colored panties? Sleeping with randoms? Skipping classes? Avoiding the gym? Avoiding a job or an education? Dodging bill collectors? Seriously, what were you doing all year long if you weren’t about you? That’s like saying King Lear is a play about King Lear… As my man loves to say “I consider that to be implied by the fact it’s entitled ‘King Lear’.” I need you to do a little bit better than saying you are finally acknowledging you are the only one who can really go about being you the right way. That’s not a resolution; it’s a realization. I’m glad you made it, but it’s a given now. I need you to do a bit more.
3. “I’m leaving some folks behind”/”cutting some people out of my life”–Why do we need this grand announcement? Honestly, if you really want to get some people out of your life, why is their first clue they haven’t talked to you on facebook in a while? Shouldn’t it be you…I don’t know…saying “This relationship has ceased to be productive. I’m out?” Facebook makes us lazy friends anyway. If you not talking to me on facebook can kill the friendship or acquaintance, it’s not really a friendship or acquaintance. It’s a tally on facebook of how popular I like to think I am. Maybe there are some people you need to leave behind and get rid of. We outgrow people all the time. But why wait til midnight? Call that dead weight now and tell her you are tired of paying her way, listening to her problems, giving her your dresses to wear, whatever, and your life is moving on. Don’t be bashful. Just say what needs to be said. Don’t forewarn me. This is not a reality TV show elimination.
4. Leave Drama Behind in 09–If you are the cause or the center of the drama, I’m sorry, but drama will be in your 09. Drama is like the Field of Dreams: if you build it, they will come. If you are the one who gets things started, and you are still running your mouth…there will be drama. If you are the one who does things that cause drama, like stealing men, talking about people behind their back, spreading rumors, etc… there will be drama. Don’t lie; you like the drama. You really want to throw people off your scent, keep them from figuring out you ARE drama. If you really want to leave drama behind, you have to realize it’s not a dog. You can’t just say “stay” and it stays. You have to address whatever it is about you that is attracting drama. Notice I did not say change, necessarily, just address. Consider. Figure out how to de-dramatize your life. Maybe you need to “cut some people out of your life,” apologize to some people, try to empathize or sympathize instead of criticize. Get your life together, and drama will not fit.
5.On my Grind in 09/My time to shine in 09–referring back to number 2, what were you on before? Now, wait, for some people, it is legitimately their time to shine in 09. If you spent 2008 “on your grind” and the labor you put in bears fruit in 09, by all means, enjoy that. But I don’t want to hear about on the grind in 09. People are supposed to be on their grind anyway. That is what you do all the time: try to better yourself, achieve greater things, be in a better position than you were last year. “Grinding” is a given. Shining?–Only if you genuinely will be, please. No pretenders to the throne. Please and thank you.
Next, my thou shalt nots for 09 (notice, I said mine, not yours)
1. If thou findest thyself single (which, hopefully I won’t, but let’s be prepared), thou shalt not go to the club for any reason other than to be out with friends and have a good time. I find that if I get all dressed up, do the hair and makeup, put on the heels, and really turn myself out and all I meet are losers, I feel cheated. I do. But I shouldn’t. You don’t go to a club to meet a doctor, a lawyer…a man with some sense and some decency. Or, if you do, he didn’t come to meet you, the good girl he can’t get drunk, grind on, or take home. So, I promise that should I find myself fishing in the dating pool, I will stick to waters that have fish I want to catch. Every good fisherman knows before he gets to his fishing hole what kinds of fish he wants to catch and what bait to use.
2. Thou shalt not cripple to be cute. I went to the Blue and White Ball this year, and there were all of these beautiful women turned out in all of their finery. And as we were leaving, we weren’t talking about the good time we had, or standing around making plans, we were holding on to boyfriends and each other, hobbling, because we had pushed our feet back into those torture devices they call heels. “Girl my feet are killin’!” I promise myself, particularly my feet, that there will at least be flip flops in my handbag for just such an emergency.
3. Thou shalt not dismiss “the other white meat.” If I do find myself single again (back on the prowl…sorry, had a moment), then I will not limit myself to any nationality of man. I will be all equal opportunity. LOL.
I do have some real resolutions though. But I won’t share until you do. As always, feel free to comment. Love you all and have a happy new year!